A lot of medals have been draped around my neck in the past years. Some are more special to me than others. For some, it is the design that makes them special. Others, it is more about the race and my performance that makes the medal a medal of honor.
Things aren’t always as they appear. Sometimes they are worse than you expect and other times surprisingly better. You just never know. I’ve certainly learned this lesson in the past few years.
Where most people are concerned, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. This, I suppose follows my efforts to not pre-judge (something carried on from last year’s season of lent). Once you let me down, however, it’s hard (but not impossible) to get back my trust. This isn’t to say that I won’t forgive you. That’s a whole other thing in my book.
When it comes to my son, BoBo, whom I love more dearly than life itself, it is myself that is left trying to earn back the trust. Truly, I feel like I failed in providing him with the guidance that he so badly needed in the year following his father’s death. I know that I did my best but, sadly, my best was not good enough. And I realize that I was crippled by my grief to a certain extent. But I also know that the way that Tom and I parented was truly a joint effort that worked well when we were both able to contribute. After he died, my parenting style did not fulfill the need.
I have to wonder if I am any more equipped to parent him now than I was 3 years ago for my boy has asked to return home (until he enters into the military). I am so scared that he might mess up all the progress that he has made in these past 2 years under my watch. Additionally, although I have had many fears about BoBo’s entry into the armed forces, I an equal amount of fear about him not going in. There are a lot of dangers in the world today. Sometimes I feel like the front lines are within miles of my home.
After talking to his uncle, I have learned that although BoBo has made friends on the island, his friends there are distanced for numerous reasons. Even more compelling was hearing how much he misses his younger brother and me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised; BoBo has told me this. And his uncle feels he has grown up a lot and is better equipped to do what is right when everyone else is doing the opposite. He also feels that BoBo remains motivated to create a future for himself that is better (not worse).
So, we’ll see…but not until after the quarter ends.