Last night, YaYa crawled into bed beside me. My computer was busy downloading The Time Traveler’s Wife as I tidied up a few entries. YaYa asked me to read my post from March 21st, 2007. There are two: one before death, and one after. After I finished, he asked me to read the post from March 21st, 2008. And then…he asked me to describe the final minutes of his dad’s life.
As you might imagine, there was a bit of discussion that followed. Time and tears got the best of us and I did not watch the movie last night.
I began watching the movie today. Yes, on this gorgeous day, I watched segments of the movie between breakfast and church, shopping and laundry. I must say, I’ve there has been a lot of tears shed in the process. Like many of the movies I see, I bring a different perspective to the experience. For the 3rd time today, I stop the movie and let my mind process the thoughts it has provoked.
Think about what it would be like to know your future: to know that someone you love more than anything in the world was going to die, or to know that you were going to die. Can you imagine?
I will take YaYa to a birthday party and meet a good friend for some trail running. And I will think about YaYa and what it would have been like to know more clearly when his dad would be taken from him…from us. Would it have easier or harder to know the when more accurately — be it from clairvoyance or time travel?
As I think about the time that BoBo and YaYa didn’t spend in those final days, I wonder what would have been different, if anything, had we had the year that we were promised — or at least known that we only had 2 weeks. Reflecting on BoBo’s anger at himself for not being there more, for going to school and baseball as if we had all the time in the world (or at least a year’s worth), I wish that we had known. Towards the end I did know. Yet, I don’t know if it would have changed anything.
Please don’t torture yourself. Please.