Archives for March 2009

I woke with a dull ache in my head.  Acknowledging the date, I stayed in bed as long as I could before getting up to take YaYa to the baseball field.  I honestly wished that I could stay in bed all day long.  It shouldn’t have taken me by surprise; it was the first day of spring and therefore the 2-year anniversary of my husband’s passing.

There was nearly an hour allotted for warm up prior to game time.  I considered using the time for a short run, hoping to ease the headache.  But time seemed to be slipping away.  My plan to run at a cool park shifted to running on the local streets and again shifted to a treadmill run.

Rounding the corner by the gym, I was making the decision to give up the run all together.  I didn’t want to run anyway.  “Suck it up Julie,” I heard my husband’s voice telling me.  Sighing, I pulled into the parking lot but protested by noting that I would NOT make more than one trip around the lot.  If there wasn’t a parking spot for me, then I would drive away.  There were MANY spots (more than the usual 1-2 spots).  While walking towards the building, I made my next contingency plan.  If there were not any open treadmills, I wasn’t going to wait.

Of course, of the two rows of treadmills, were only 2 in use.  *sigh*  I got on and began running at a nice easy pace.

It was not fun.  My head still HURT.  I grabbed the side rail, closed my eyes, and took some healing breaths.  Within seconds, I created an imaginary cord that would work to drain the pain right out of my body, and opened my eyes back up.

About a mile into the run, I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie began playing.  It was still in the instrumental part when I said, “No you won’t,” as I changed the song.  My anger towards L began raging.  It was stupid though.  I was actually mad at him for being  nice.

Early in the morning, L’s text “Thinkin bout. U Juls…with u there in spirit” had arrived as soon as myPhone came out of airplane mode.  He may have meant that Tom was with me in spirit.  I didn’t care much care what he meant.  I don’t need, or want, L inserting his energy in my life when he’s not.

Ugh…anger was not good for my head.  Again, I closed my eyes (holding the rail) and tried to release it.

Well, I have no idea if I’d opened my eyes before taking a tumble.  Clearly my mind was on other things throughout the entire run.  I only remember seeing parts of the treadmill and the gym streaming past.  Next thing I know I am on the ground with a small crowd around me.  My leg burned and my head was all in a fog.

Could this day really be happening?  Where was YaYa?  I stared at the “21” on the iCal logo of myPhone.  Of course it was real.  I’d been a fool to think that the worst had been earlier in the month and that this day would be fine.  I took another deep breath, grabbed my things, and headed to YaYa’s baseball game.

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