I woke with a dull ache in my head. Acknowledging the date, I stayed in bed as long as I could before getting up to take YaYa to the baseball field. I honestly wished that I could stay in bed all day long. It shouldn’t have taken me by surprise; it was the first day of spring and therefore the 2-year anniversary of my husband’s passing.
There was nearly an hour allotted for warm up prior to game time. I considered using the time for a short run, hoping to ease the headache. But time seemed to be slipping away. My plan to run at a cool park shifted to running on the local streets and again shifted to a treadmill run.
Rounding the corner by the gym, I was making the decision to give up the run all together. I didn’t want to run anyway. “Suck it up Julie,” I heard my husband’s voice telling me. Sighing, I pulled into the parking lot but protested by noting that I would NOT make more than one trip around the lot. If there wasn’t a parking spot for me, then I would drive away. There were MANY spots (more than the usual 1-2 spots). While walking towards the building, I made my next contingency plan. If there were not any open treadmills, I wasn’t going to wait.
Of course, of the two rows of treadmills, were only 2 in use. *sigh* I got on and began running at a nice easy pace.
It was not fun. My head still HURT. I grabbed the side rail, closed my eyes, and took some healing breaths. Within seconds, I created an imaginary cord that would work to drain the pain right out of my body, and opened my eyes back up.
About a mile into the run, I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie began playing. It was still in the instrumental part when I said, “No you won’t,” as I changed the song. My anger towards L began raging. It was stupid though. I was actually mad at him for being nice.
Early in the morning, L’s text “Thinkin bout. U Juls…with u there in spirit” had arrived as soon as myPhone came out of airplane mode. He may have meant that Tom was with me in spirit. I didn’t care much care what he meant. I don’t need, or want, L inserting his energy in my life when he’s not.
Ugh…anger was not good for my head. Again, I closed my eyes (holding the rail) and tried to release it.
Well, I have no idea if I’d opened my eyes before taking a tumble. Clearly my mind was on other things throughout the entire run. I only remember seeing parts of the treadmill and the gym streaming past. Next thing I know I am on the ground with a small crowd around me. My leg burned and my head was all in a fog.
Could this day really be happening? Where was YaYa? I stared at the “21” on the iCal logo of myPhone. Of course it was real. I’d been a fool to think that the worst had been earlier in the month and that this day would be fine. I took another deep breath, grabbed my things, and headed to YaYa’s baseball game.