The number of Christmas cards arriving in my mailbox this year is small. I guess people just don’t know what to say. Who can blame them? I didn’t know what to say myself, and I just don’t like sending out the card without a little personal, handwritten note. So my batches have been few and far between. Batch two went out in yesterday’s mail and I still have to hit my side of the family.
Then there is the shopping. Somehow, I lost momentum on that. I forgot some of the key items that seemed so obvious before and have since slipped my mind. I fear that on Christmas morning it will look like Santa forgot to visit.
I’ve tried to limit my shopping to pretty much the immediate family. It’s hard to do that when gifts start arriving on you desk at work each morning. I take a deep breath and remind myself that I can’t take on the added pressure of finding a small gift for my co-workers in my department. I just don’t have the energy.
Yet I had every intention of bringing a little gift for my friends in bereavement “group.” My plan was to give the girls pretty journals that they could use to write in. I thought that perhaps they could use writing as a healing, as I do. I’d visited the journal section at Borders Books, but none of the options appealed to me. So, in my pickiness, I left without buying anything at all and arrived at group empty handed. To my surprise, I was the only one empty handed. They had all found the time to find the perfect gift for me. What was my problem?
How is it possible to walk in and out of so many stores and still not buy a thing? I just don’t feel the holiday spirit. There is no joy of giving this year as I can’t seem to find any gifts that give the message I want to give. I want my gifts to say, “I see you for who your are” and because of that “I found the perfect gift.” Instead, I sneer at the package carrying people with anger.
I, like the Grinch who stole Christmas, often view the world as if they were the Whos down in Whoville (an endlessly cheerful bunch bursting with holiday spirit), and have become so sickened by their joy in the season that I barely fall short of hijacking the holiday from those that I care for most. I know this isn’t me. I try to avoid all Grinch-like actions; however I fear that I have been predisposed to the manifestation of these tendencies. I desperately want to be more like Cindy Loo Who than the Grinch. Then I remember that even little Cindy was searching for the “true meaning of Christmas.”
Dr. Seuss once explained, “… the Grinch in my story is the Hero of Christmas? Sure… he starts out as a villain, but it’s not how you start out that counts. It’s what you are at the finish.” I’ve got four days to make the transformation from villain to hero – four days to find that true meaning of Christmas.
I am trying very hard to learn to accept gifts in the spirit they were given, and to ignore that immediate desire to buy them something to equal it out. It’s hard! I imagine that everyone around you, even, maybe especially, your bereavement group understand.
As an aside, I walk in and out of stores all the time without buying. My problem is that I have a picture in my mind of what I want and have a hard time accepting less. Unfortunately, it’s usually something I saw a while back and is now gone from the shelves. I hate shopping!
We all know it is blessing to be able to give – what we often forget is that someone needs to be receiving in the same spirit. To be able to accept a gift graciously is to grant the giver a gift. I agree with the above commenter – I am sure all those around understand and would be upset if they thought their actions were cause to further your grief or discomfort.
Wishing you and yours peace and solace…..
I totally understand.
Besides, shopping doesn’t do it for me, either.
It’s important to remember that other people find healing in shopping. REtail therapy is not just a catch phrase it is a reality. I don’t find that retail therapy helps me at all..
backofthepack is right…it’s hard to not want to equal things out, but the spirit of the season is what is important to keep in our hearts.
As far as Christmas cards. I also find my tongue tied when I think of you…I don’t want to be insensitive..but I don’t what to say.
I think of you alot. My heart aches for you and your boys and I wonder how I would find the strength to do what you are doing..you know getting up everyday..running…working..loving the boys.
I wish you Peace this season Juls…
Hang in there, Julie. The season is rough, and you have done such an amazing job being strong for your boys this year. You will make it through. You are all in my thoughts and prayers – from snowless Virginia and the whole way here. Peace to you all.
Thinking of you Juls. You are a wonderful mom. Take care of yourself…hugs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kgMWMYDg0c
praying for you ~ patsy
I love to make gifts and can usually do it and a low cost so I do so for all of my neighbors. The last thing I want is for them to feel the need to give something in return. I really don’t expect anything back. So I would totally let go of the pressure to give to others that have given to you. Maybe later in the year..Valentines? something will pop out at you and you can return the friendship gesture at that time. But I know for me I really just enjoy giving. I hope that makes sense. :>)