Now that you mention it…

Other than the dreaded Christmas cards, I haven’t given the holidays much thought. It seems impossible given all of the commercials on the radio and the decorations in the stores. Seriously, I have just refused to acknowledge the impending holidays.

Well, I *have* unconsciously been doing a few holiday things. For example, I bought a star for the top of the tree last week. We’ve been trying to find the right tree topper for the past few years. I saw this one and though that Tom would have liked it. I don’t exactly know why that matters anymore, but I bought it. I also bought Tom’s yearly ornament. I don’t have anyone else in the family’s, but I have his.

I know that the holidays are on their way. I am sort of unconscious in my participation and planning.

A couple of weeks ago, the flyer for the neighborhood tree thing landed in my mailbox. We participated last year for the first time. The whole neighborhood buys a little tree for the front yard and lights it up. I looks really cheery to drive up and down the streets filled with rows of lit holiday trees. I ignored the notice; I just set it aside and forgot about it. Then the signs when up saying “Tree $ due.” I ignored that too. Finally, a second notice.

After receiving the second notice, I thought about my apathy. Should I just write out the check for the tree? I still can’t say why I was refusing to play this year. Perhaps, if my tree resembled the feeble Charlie Brown tree, it would have felt more appropriate. I guess I just wasn’t ready to let the holidays into my reality. It’s just easier that way. Right?

Well, the bereavement group facilitators thought otherwise. They thought that we, the bereaved, should actively think about these things ahead of time and do some preparation. They even hosted a workshop on it.

As I said, I really had not given the coming holidays much though. I realize that I am planning to go south for the winter (like a bird, only driving). We’re going to spend Thanksgiving in Seal Beach with Tom’s family. I guess I am just thinking of the trip as a family gathering (rather than the holiday that it is). I am pretty sure that I’ll be okay. I actually had a trial run last weekend with a very relaxed Thanksgiving type gathering at Lil’ Sis’ house. BoBo took Tom’s spot beside me at the table, so it was okay.

I actually think that I must have been slightly intoxicated after only a few sips of wine. I am sure that I heard myself inviting my family over for Christmas dinner – AT MY HOUSE – ON CHRISTMAS DAY!

At the workshop, people talked about wanting to just sleep through the months of November and December. By doing so, they wouldn’t have to watch everyone being so happy when they were…well…NOT. *sniffle* I know exactly what they mean, but I can’t do that. I actually need to continue functioning, to work in order to pay the bills, and for the presents, and everything else. I need to take care of the kids’ needs. I need to take care of MY needs.

We were given a list of holiday tasks and traditions. We were asked to review the list to determine what traditions we wanted to keep, change, or initiate in the coming season. I reviewed the list: Getting the Christmas Tree, hanging the lights, sending out Christmas Cards, buying presents, cooking… I never considered not doing any of it, at least the items that we normally do (there was two full pages of tasks but many are not in my world of entertainment).

The listed tasks were joyous (generally). They were things that I normally do with the boys, and not Tom. When I reviewed the list, these items did not seem like they would be an issue. But there were many things that were not listed that were very Tom-specific: the special breakfast that he makes on holiday mornings, midnight mass, the afternoon hike designed to generate a good appetite for the holiday meal. These were all things that he initiated. We could still do them, but it would not be the same.

By the time the workshop actually started, the Kleenex boxes were quickly emptying. They started out with the chaplain running us through a meditation. It was all over for me at that point. My meditation is something that I let die with Tom. I sat in the chair with my eyes closed, took a deep breath (or tried to), and felt like I was dying. I gasped for air, my chest ached, and the tears streamed down my face.

Through the night there was much discussion on things like whether or not to put your deceased one’s stocking out, lighting candles in remembrance, how to get the lights hung outside, the recipes that may have been lost too. Each person’s considerations were slightly different, but it was clearly painful for everyone. I am sure that we’ll each figure these things out as we go.

In the end, there was one thing that made the most sense to me. Incorporating meditation into the holidays (if not more often) is a perfect way to honor Tom and all that he has taught us about spirituality. Now that you mention it, not only would it honor Tom, this would also be a perfect way for me to give to myself.