Other than the dreaded Christmas cards, I haven’t given the holidays much thought. It seems impossible given all of the commercials on the radio and the decorations in the stores. Seriously, I have just refused to acknowledge the impending holidays.
Well, I *have* unconsciously been doing a few holiday things. For example, I bought a star for the top of the tree last week. We’ve been trying to find the right tree topper for the past few years. I saw this one and though that Tom would have liked it. I don’t exactly know why that matters anymore, but I bought it. I also bought Tom’s yearly ornament. I don’t have anyone else in the family’s, but I have his.
I know that the holidays are on their way. I am sort of unconscious in my participation and planning.
A couple of weeks ago, the flyer for the neighborhood tree thing landed in my mailbox. We participated last year for the first time. The whole neighborhood buys a little tree for the front yard and lights it up. I looks really cheery to drive up and down the streets filled with rows of lit holiday trees. I ignored the notice; I just set it aside and forgot about it. Then the signs when up saying “Tree $ due.” I ignored that too. Finally, a second notice.
After receiving the second notice, I thought about my apathy. Should I just write out the check for the tree? I still can’t say why I was refusing to play this year. Perhaps, if my tree resembled the feeble Charlie Brown tree, it would have felt more appropriate. I guess I just wasn’t ready to let the holidays into my reality. It’s just easier that way. Right?
Well, the bereavement group facilitators thought otherwise. They thought that we, the bereaved, should actively think about these things ahead of time and do some preparation. They even hosted a workshop on it.
As I said, I really had not given the coming holidays much though. I realize that I am planning to go south for the winter (like a bird, only driving). We’re going to spend Thanksgiving in Seal Beach with Tom’s family. I guess I am just thinking of the trip as a family gathering (rather than the holiday that it is). I am pretty sure that I’ll be okay. I actually had a trial run last weekend with a very relaxed Thanksgiving type gathering at Lil’ Sis’ house. BoBo took Tom’s spot beside me at the table, so it was okay.
I actually think that I must have been slightly intoxicated after only a few sips of wine. I am sure that I heard myself inviting my family over for Christmas dinner – AT MY HOUSE – ON CHRISTMAS DAY!