I’ve been tagged for another meme and I have to admit, I don’t actually get what I need to do. Regardless, I was one of Runner Susan’s select few. My participation in the “Rockin’ Girl Blogger” meme will be creative – NOT. If I tag you, it will be up to you to figure out what you want to do. I think it has something to do with the logo.
And the nominees are: Brit, Decaf Momma, Cindy, Dori and Ali
It’s been weeks since the note arrived on Tom’s truck. Apparently, someone is interested in buying it from us. I hesitated to respond – a little nervous about a disgruntled person coming back to complain should it not perform. I would make no promises, and the deal would be noted “as is,” but my apprehension never resolved.
It would be a safer to just donate it, thus avoiding any direct identification to my home. Still, the months have passed since Tom’s death and the truck remains parked in our driveway. It wasn’t until yesterday that I revisited the notion of letting go of the truck (one way or another).
As I pondered calling the guy who had left the note, considering the documentation that I would want to protect from future issues, a red truck appeared ahead of me. It was the same color and make as Tom’s.
My heart leapt. It couldn’t be – I *knew* that. But still it felt as if I was following Tom home. I felt excitement and hope running through my body. We both got off the freeway at the same exit, turned in the same direction at the exit and made the same turns. The abrupt driving style was even the same as Tom’s.
I sped up to get a closer look. Even after noting that the driver was shorter than Tom (and, of course, I *knew* that it couldn’t be him), I continued to follow. While I should have gone straight (past the turn for our house), to pick up YaYa at daycare, I didn’t. The truck turned, so I turned – now I could see that the cab of the truck was different from Tom’s.
We were nearly home when the truck passed the final turn down our street. With disappointment, I headed to daycare center to pick up YaYa. I was saddened as the little red truck kept on truckin’ and felt a fresh dose of loss.
“Grief is a personal journey, never the same for any two people, and as unique as your life and your relationships. Although lose is an inevitable part of life, how you approach this fact cam make the difference between meaningless pain and the manifestation of understanding and wisdom.”
~ Sameet M. Kumar, PhD in Grieving Mindfully
YaYa stumbled, half-asleep, downstairs to find me making my morning coffee. His face showed the residual fear and sadness of another bad dream. For the remainder of the morning, YaYa was scared to be alone anywhere in the house. I stood by him as he dressed, followed him to the bathroom to pee, and sat by him as he ate. As difficult as it is to get anything accomplished, I felt bad for my little guy and continued to reassure him that I was there for him.
By the time BoBo awoke, I was leaving to take YaYa to daycare. BoBo was already grumpy and annoyed about having to attend a bereavement counseling session with me. We fought the whole morning leading up to the appointment. While I don’t want to create a problem where there isn’t one, I worry that he isn’t grieving but, rather, holding his emotions back.
It is easy to see that YaYa clearly has a need for bereavement support as he wears his emotions on his sleeve and readily discusses them. I have scheduled a bereavement counseling for YaYa and me as a transition to the “Middles” Support Group that begins in September. He has already agreed to attend.
In contrast to YaYa, the evolution of teen-hood makes BoBo’s emotions harder to discern the “normal” from troubled. I am sure that BoBo is still upset with me for making him attend counseling with me, but at least now he understands that I am acting out of love rather than that I feel he has a problem.
By the time we were heading home from the counseling session, the tension between us had dissipated. BoBo has agreed to join the family at the Children’s Bereavement Camp next Sunday, but remains hesitant about the Teen Support Groups in September. I have left the decision to attend group as BoBo’s choice and remain hopeful that the camp will open his eyes to the possibility.
In the am, YaYa and I took our time preparing for work and play. We were both tired from staying up late, and in need of a slow-paced morning.
YaYa played with a borrowed toy while I tried to shower myself to life with hot water and soap. It didn’t work. My body demanded coffee and more coffee, and I complied.
So, with the lunches packed, we were out the door, 40 minutes later than usual, and in a better mood for the challenges of the day. The morning may have been slow-paced, but the day is certainly NOT.
Rumors are circulating of another layoff. I work through another lunch break, thereby delaying my workout until after work. There is no room to believe the rumors right now. There is no time to ease up. There is much work to be done, and timelines to meet.
The bottom line is not what it once seemed. It more than just pay, it is the wonderful people that I work with, the flexibility to go to appointments as needed, and the luxury of not having to travel. The bottom line is my family. Isn’t funny that the bottom may be pulled out from under me regardless of how tirelessly I work to achieve the set timelines.
Until then…it’s just rumors.