I think that I have said that I am tired of putting up a happy front. I am fine with people just saying “hi.” It is when THE question “How are you?” is posed that I just don’t know what to say. “I’m good?” No. Not really. How can you be good when your world is so different. My routine answer of “Okay” has grown old, so I just shrug and give them the I don’t really know look.
I just don’t have the words to give the short answer to the question. I have only the long, drawn out description that most people really don’t want to know. It scares them. It scares me too.
I drove BoBo to the baseball field to watch the Senior All Stars play the final game in the local tournament. Though I cannot remember what we fought about on the way to the game, I can remember that I was feeling inept to face the crowd that was growing in and around the stands. I had to dodge THE question for a bit longer. I left YaYa with BoBo and went for a much needed run.
I ran a little harder than I was supposed to. Harder and faster than “easy” pace, but it was cathartic. I let the thoughts and images move through me like the air that I was breathing. In. Out. In. Out. The fears, the fight, the headache that I had all day long, and the work day. I breathed it in, and blew it out.
At the end of the run, I was able to face the crowds and THE question. I still didn’t have an answer to it, but that was okay too. I was able to enjoy watching the team hit their way into the next tournament.
I wonder if an appropriate response to THE question might be “I’m going through it.” or more positive “I’m getting through it.” These are answers that really don’t commit you to an emotion and may make people stop for a minute and think that perhaps you really don’t want to talk about it.
My dearest friend on earth just had her wedding called off a few weeks before the big day and while it’s not the same, it is still very painful and she was constantly trying to figure out how to answer that question for those who don’t really know her. The truth is they are trying to be kind and just don’t know another way, so there never is a right answer but saying I’m okay is fairly accurate. You’re still here, still getting through each moment and loving your children. Then again, I have occassionally heard her say “I suck, thank you for asking.” :)
The question deserves THE answer :-) taking it day by day… That’s all they need to know…
It’s not that I don’t want to talk with these folks (who have watched the kids grow over the years and have sat in the stands with me for hours on end). I think that is why it is difficult with them because “Okay” just doesn’t do it. “Okay” is how I respond to the everyday person who either sees me everyday or the one who I barely know and who might not even know what I am going through. I like the response, “I suck. Thanks for asking.”
I usually resort to “Getting by” when I really feel like crap. It kind of says it all. “Getting by” is the minimum anyone can do – sometimes it is all a person can do.
Another option is to sort of roll your shoulders and say “eh”.
You don’t suck, Juls – your life sucks and you feel like crap but you are okay. One of these days (no predictions here but for your sake I hope it is sooner rather than later) you will feel okay, too. Until then you are getting by. I’m so glad the running makes it easier.
21st CM: I wouldn’t even say that my life sucks. Really. I have three kinds, loving, and generally good sons. I have a job. I have friends and extended family (mine and his). I/We *will* be okay. It just doesn’t feel like it sometimes.
Today, however, I woke up with the alarm clock, did my hair (thus avoiding ANOTHER bad hair day), and even took the stairs at work instead. I think today will be “good” – relatively speaking.
I am right there with the “okay” comment. I think we get so programmed into saying how great we are normally…you know before we go through the loss…that it is just hard to vary much from generic answers. And you are so right when you say that the answers will scare them. They really will. My biggest fear is that someone I am close to at work will ask that simple little question and it will just open the flood gates. That poor person would probably avoid me like the plague even more than already.
I hope your day today was a “good” one. Mine actually finally ended up being after a very long tiring week. I think you deserve a few “good” days in a row :)
I am voting for the “I suck” answer. Two cheers for a good hair day, that is enough to get the day off on a good foot!