Sabotage

I have decided that I am being sabotaged. While I would like to be able to identify the culprit as someone other than myself, I cannot. It would be a lie to tell you that someone has been stealing my running shoes, locking me in my home, or force feeding me chocolate.

I am a passive player, watching from outside of my body, as I reach for another piece of dark chocolate. I climb into my body to enjoy the magic as it melts on my tongue and wakens my body. Then I reach for another knowing full well that one is enough, two is too much, and three is unheard of.

In the morning I remain in my bed knowing that my 12-14 mile run awaits. I listen to the voice in my head that tells me to give up. “Why bother,” says Ms. Negativity. I ignore the voice that opposes her.

It is true that I have lacked motivation, that I haven’t been telling myself that I have what it takes to get my BQ in Chicago (or even CIM). Yet, I know that if I just keep at it, my body will be ready when my mind finally comes around.

Of course my body won’t be ready if I don’t change a few things. I don’t want to diet again. That got me no where. I do need to eat better. I also need to incorporate some strength training into my week. Unfortunately the jump roping in the Circuit Training class that I have been attending has flared up my peroneal tendonitis (or plantar fasciitis) in my left foot, with an accompanying ankle and knee soreness.

I’ve been wearing my night splint for about a week now, waking up to ankle rotations, icing, and have added stretching throughout the day. While it seems to be keeping things at bay, it is a lot easier to delay or skip my runs.

When I think about the re-occurring injury (now on the other side), I have to ask myself if I can ramp up like I need to in order to BQ. It is very mild, almost not worth mentioning, but overuse injuries are caused by “over use.” I imagine that I could see an increase in severity the more I do.

It’s a little premature to change my plan. Time will tell whether this all is from the jump roping (which I have stopped) or from running. When I last wrote about having difficulty finding the time to run, Coach called me to discuss my goals. He was reasonable, and wanted to help. Somehow hearing him offer to adjust the plan to delay my BQ attempt set off panic and more loss for me. It’s still too early to know what will happen in the coming months. I don’t want to put it off just yet.

While I do want to BQ, I do not want it at any cost. I look back to the hardship of not able to run after being injured (last October). I was miserable. I know that I need my running now more than ever. I will proceed with caution.

I cannot sabotage my goals or running by running when I shouldn’t, or by filling my body with poisen in the form of negativity or poor food choices. I CAN ignore Ms. Negativity when she says, “Why bother” and keep reminding myself that I CAN achieve great things. I can even achieve my BQ; chasing the dream is worth bothering. So I’ll do it anyway and get out there later today and RUN.