Archives for April 2007

I had plans to rise early and hit the pavement for a 10 mile run. When the sun came up, I was captivated by a dream instead.

In my dream, Tom was up and walking. He stumbled around and before long we were in a car with YaYa driving. Tom was giving YaYa directions; it was if he was teaching YaYa to drive. Upon arriving at the intended destination, I waited outside of the university as Tom went inside to take care of business. Nervously, I looked around, hoping that nobody I knew would see me there with my supposedly dead husband. I must be crazy because here he was walking and talking and yet, I had a funeral for him. How embarrassing.

After Tom’s business was completed, I pushed him home in a wheelchair. On the sidewalk before the house, a purse was just lying there. Tom found interest in a pewter watch. He examined it carefully and then returned it to the bag.

We continued a few more houses and I settled him in the bedroom that I grew up in. I was rummaging through a box marked medicines, only to find batteries and other electronic trinkets. “Julie,” Tom said. My gaze moved from the box, to his eyes, to his mouth. “I l-o-v-e YOU.”

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The lovely view of the hillside could be seen as we drove along the winding road. Between the fear of the steep assent of the road, and the hope of the beautiful retreat at the top of the hill, I moved onward. I’ve been tense today. All morning, I have been on the verge of an adult temper tantrum. I’ve been bitching and complaining because things just weren’t going my way. I couldn’t cope.

I drove here desperately trying to escape from the routine and from the oncoming responsibility that surrounds my returning to work. It seems like I am barely handling the duties that I currently have. The laundry has still been piling up, and I work hard to keep the house picked up. I am afraid of what it will be like as I try to add working fulltime to the mix.

The misleading directions that I printed from yahoo maps made the trip intense. Tom has always kept me from freaking out on these trips where the directions don’t match reality. It seems that everything that I do reminds me of him in one way or another. The directions had one turn (an added highway) too many, and one critical turn (an exit off of the highway) left out. These, seemingly minor, details worked to prolong our arrival. But the house finally came into view.

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I’ve needed my runs more and more. In some ways, my emotional state is getting better, and in other ways it is getting much harder to get through the days than in the beginning. But in general, my runs have been going well. It’s the finishes that have been tough. Today was no exception.

I ran along, thinking of the day and the importance that it has had for Tom and I for the past 21 years. “Good Friday” marks the date when Tom and I first kissed. In many ways, Good Friday has been more of an anniversary for us than our wedding anniversary.

This day couldn’t come and go without my remembering what made it special for the past 21 years. LOVE. I ran along thinking of that day on the beach and the uneasy feeling that precedes that first kiss. This was the beginning of the good memories. As I finished off the run, I remembered the last kiss. It’s hard to believe that his life is over.