Onward

I was dreading my first day back to work. It isn’t because of the work; it was more due to facing the people. Emotionally, I was so fragile and I felt so vulnerable all day long. I thought about the boys returning to school almost immediately and wondered if they had it right. At least then, it made sense to cry at any given moment.

The traffic was light as the neighboring school district was on their spring break. I got to work about 30 minutes earlier than expected. I arrived in my office to find a bright yellow miniature rose plant in the center of my bare desk. The first of many tears began flowing.

The morning was challenged by me being locked out of the network, my mouse not working, hundreds of waiting emails, and a required training session that was scheduled at noon. *sigh*

The day passed relatively quickly considering that I wasn’t accomplishing much of anything of value. But I was setting myself up for future productivity so all wasn’t completely lost. I felt lost, but okay until I came out of the bathroom around 2 pm.

I was leaving as someone that I know, but not well, was coming in. She was surprised to see me and expressed her condolences. I said “Thank you.” She continued. Her father had the same kind of cancer, lung. He had surgery but it spread to the brain…six years later. She said that she knew what I was going through.

But I couldn’t really have her well-meaning gesture. Instead, I felt uncomfortable and felt trapped between her and the bathroom door. I wanted to cry, but not in front of her. I hardly knew her. It completely unnerved me.

It wasn’t long after this that I asked my boss if I could leave for the day. Then I went running.

Today, it felt like a blessing to have not run the long run that was scheduled for Sunday. The emotions that were perculating in me would take more than a few miles to process. I was sure of that fact.

I made my way to the open space preserve and was soon tackling the hill that had kicked my butt a few weeks ago. It’s a hill that I know well as it was Tom and my favorite of all the trails in the park.

I began to climb. Up, up, up I went. All the while I could feel the intense emotions rising to the surface. I ran and sobbed at the same time. I thought of the rock climbing at Alissa’s party and my brother-in-law taunting Boston. In my mind I told myself that tackle far more fear than that, but not for Boston. I would indure the pain and work of climbing as high as heaven to have just one more kiss to my forehead and hug from Tom.

I would climb up to heaven, but I would need to have someone to balle me so that I could come back too. I’m not ready to leave earth just yet. There is so much more I’ve yet to do. But it’s one thing to know this, and another to gain the courage to move onward and do it. That’s what I must do though. I must go on.

And so, onward I went. One step at a time, I ran up the hill. The sky was clear and blue. The view from the top was breathtaking, reminding me of all that is wonderful right here and now, and also that I am a very capable woman.

I know that each day of this journey will be different. Like climbing the hill, some days it will be easy and other times it will kick my butt. As long as I keep my eye on my goal, and remember the path that I have traveled, I will know that I can achieve what I am after – whatever it may be.