It’s now just the kids (DD included) and me. Each day I become more aware of this and my way of looking at life changes because of it. It is important to determine what really matters and what does not. It seems that lately my priorities are constantly being re-evaluated.
So many things matter a lot. Take feelings, mine for instance, they matter. During this vacation, a little too much laziness and too little respect have challenged me. A few more running miles might have helped me cope better.
After a couple of hours of pre-cleaning (in preparation for tomorrow’s departure), I had no tolerance for BoBo imposing his teenager expectations on YaYa yet again. I know that YaYa is no saint and that the conflicts are not always BoBo’s fault. But this episode, was certainly all BoBo’s doing.
In my frustration, my words may have been stronger than necessary. I was already tearful when BoBo, realizing his nobody-else-matters attitude, came over ask if I was okay. I told him exactly what I was thinking.
“I’m NOT okay. I’m sad, very sad. I’m overwhelmed with the idea of having to raise two boys all by myself. I’m angry that BoBo hasn’t been helping around the house. I’m tired and I’m not even back to work yet. AND, I can’t do it all.”
The kids mean everything to me. They are all I have left of Tom. But I also need to take care of my own needs. Everyone picks and chooses their priorities. It is after the priorities have been met, when nothing else matters. Until then, I will carry on.