It’s now just the kids (DD included) and me. Each day I become more aware of this and my way of looking at life changes because of it. It is important to determine what really matters and what does not. It seems that lately my priorities are constantly being re-evaluated.
So many things matter a lot. Take feelings, mine for instance, they matter. During this vacation, a little too much laziness and too little respect have challenged me. A few more running miles might have helped me cope better.
After a couple of hours of pre-cleaning (in preparation for tomorrow’s departure), I had no tolerance for BoBo imposing his teenager expectations on YaYa yet again. I know that YaYa is no saint and that the conflicts are not always BoBo’s fault. But this episode, was certainly all BoBo’s doing.
In my frustration, my words may have been stronger than necessary. I was already tearful when BoBo, realizing his nobody-else-matters attitude, came over ask if I was okay. I told him exactly what I was thinking.
“I’m NOT okay. I’m sad, very sad. I’m overwhelmed with the idea of having to raise two boys all by myself. I’m angry that BoBo hasn’t been helping around the house. I’m tired and I’m not even back to work yet. AND, I can’t do it all.”
The kids mean everything to me. They are all I have left of Tom. But I also need to take care of my own needs. Everyone picks and chooses their priorities. It is after the priorities have been met, when nothing else matters. Until then, I will carry on.
I’m praying for you…
Juls,
Here’s what I think. Just as you are figuring out that it is only you and the boys, that there is no one else, so are the boys. And we both know what kids do when faced with something new – they test you. Yes, it’s probably too soon for you, but after all they are kids (even the teenager, they ride the maturity rollercoaster daily). They are wondering what it’s going to be like with just you – will you be soft on them because they’ve lost their Dad? Will you be much firmer? Where exactly are your boundaries? I think your response to Conor was just perfect – he pushed, and he pushed you too far, and you pushed back. I’d say you handled it perfectly. You let him know how you felt and he is old enough to process that and respond in a better manner.
I’ve just caught up on all your posts. I’m glad you are back running, and I appreciate the message about our love getting lost in daily life. Sometimes it’s like an old glove, soft and easy, and easy to ignore.
I guess when you go back to work, you’re going to have to let those priorities shift again, and maybe a clean house will slip lower on the list. You’ll have to corral those boys and put them to work too. Anyway, good luck with it all, and I’m still thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
Ditto what backofpack said and a couple more.
You and your boys didn’t have a reasonable amount of time to process Tom’s rapid illness and death. There are stages people need to go through and you never got the chance – all you (and they) got to do was deal with shock and fear and sadness.
One of the stages is anger. Conor may very well be angry as well he should be – you were all dealt a really low blow.
All anyone can do is react how they react and then talk about it. If he tests you and you blow up then that’s life. You talk about it, you come to an understanding and you move on. It’s all fine unless you or Conor start to beat yourselves up. Don’t do that. Feel the pain, feel the love, share the love and let it go.
You are feeling understandably overwhelmed. Remember that you are not alone. You have friends and family and you will manage. It will take time to figure out how but you will. Of that I am sure.
Julie, I’ve been thinking a lot about you these last few days when I haven’t seen any posts. I guess the site was just slow at getting them posted. You are doing an amazing job adjusting to an extremely difficult situation. Everyone is going through their own process of grieving and I’m sure will be in different stages at different times. You are the boys “rock”, but don’t forget to call upon your friends and family for someone for you to lean on as well.
Thanks everyone.
To explain the tardiness of the posts, I wrote while were were away but we were pretty remote in Sonoma. No internet access.
As for this post: I came up with the title first and struggled to come up with something positive to go with it. Hence, another rant. What are blogs for? You all know by now that I love all three of my boys -DD, Conor & YaYa are so precious to me. They are a gift from God & from TOM.
I can’t understand what you’re going through. I can imagine, but that’s as close as it gets.
How about a big ‘ol *hugggg*.
Yea, I’m catching up on your posts too. Stupid bloglines :-) Whether your realize it or not, your insight and sharing is helping all of us in our seemingly “normal” lives. Even in this time, your time of loss, need, healing, you continue to give of yourself. Thank you, Juls. You still have purpose here. Love. Life. It is never easy, and at times, it will wash over you like the proverbial wave, but you are strong. Upon this rock the seas of chaos will break. You will carry on. We have to carry on. For ourselves, our kids, our future, their future. This is still much left to be done in this world. Hugs….
Everyone else already put it into words. Even though we really don’t know eachother well, I’m thinking about you. It’s one day at a time. It’s good that you have running as your release.
HUGS