In year past, I’ve always done a year in review post. The exercise requires a thorough look through all of my old posts, a ton of reflection, followed by a post summarizing the highlights (with hyperlinks to key posts). While I am certain that I might find comfort in revisiting the joyful moments of 2019, the year was painful enough that I would rather not re-read all about it. So this summary will be short and sweet (or not so sweet). Let’s see…

The year (2019) began with a change in gyms as I followed YaYa (my youngest) to his new workplace. It was a bit disappointing to leave behind the outdoor turf area (with climbing rope and the large tires), the new gym had so much more to offer us – including indoor monkey bars, a wide variety of cardio machines, 4 pools, and a huge weight training area with cool machines, and a ton of free weights. It also has separate rooms for group classes, yoga, and cycling.

Committed to seeing my brother, Robert through to his Spartan Trifecta, Lil Sis and I registered for our Sprint, Super and Beast races for the year. Then, my body issues started up once again – as is typical for me as my emotional roller coaster ride takes me on a wild ride through the memories of my husband’s last months of life during the winter season. If that wasn’t enough, my boyfriend of over 10 years and I broke up just before the anniversary of my husband’s death. March madness for me was a tumultuous process of the two losses fighting for attention in my heart and mind.

My siblings and I took the first of our Spartan races (SJ Sprint) and it was clear that my brother was hooked. I soon learned that the man I called my boyfriend for all of those years was already spending much of his time with someone else. I wanted to be happy for him; but happy was a long ways away. So, I sought out acceptance as I noted a warm and joyful ease in his social media posts.

Although I knew that it wasn’t in my own best interest, I found myself carefully analyzing each photo he posted – noting which had to be taken by someone else for the angle to be achieved, seeing her reflection in his sunglasses in some of them, or the quality in his smile that used to be when he saw me. And soon after, she appeared in our yoga room, he confirmed that they were friends (with quotes) and my heart broke all over again. I then began obsessing over their posts and, in an attempt to protect myself from my own harmful obsessing, I unfollowed and unfriended both to them – only to feel worse in doing so. Anyway…

Thankfully, another Spartan race was quickly approaching. This kept me from continuing to wallow in loneliness and self-pity. Moments of joy included my sons coming with me to yoga on Mother’s Day, BoBo’s promotion, and my decision to finish out my yoga certification and pursue teaching.  I began working with a couple of people to find my teaching voice, began shadowing in the mysore room, and really found joy in doing so. I finished off my 200hr teacher certification in August and, on the same day, YaYa passed his certification test for personal training.

In October, Robert, Lil Sis (Carol), and I earned our Spartan Trifecta by completing our 3rd and final race (SoCal Beast). I also began assisting yogis on a regular basis in the Mysore Room at my yoga studio. I substitute taught a few classes here and at a local Ashtanga Shala and found my desire to teach on a regular basis was growing. I reached out to my gym and also my previous gym without any luck. Invitations to apply elsewhere were received but I didn’t feel called to act.

Then, much to my surprise, I was offered a teaching slot on Sunday mornings beginning in January 2020. For this, I am beyond thrilled. Yet, I have much work to do to live up to the expectations of the yoga studio. So, as I took on several substitute teaching opportunities, I got a real taste of the required creativity and mindfulness that goes into choreographing a new sequence for each class. It is damn hard. Then you need to create a playlist and come up with clear instructions to lead the students through the class. There should be a theme, and breath work too. It’s hard but I am loving it.

As this year comes to a close, I find that I am smiling and laughing once again. In time, maybe I will be open to dating again. For now, I am just content in being me. Happy New Year to you all. May you find joy in being in your own company too — so that you can share that joy with those whom you choose to be with in 2020 and beyond.