I used to think TGIF as the weekend approached but now I think oh God, it’s Friday (OGIF).
It’s another quiet night in my little universe. Funny, I used to enjoy the quiet moments of solitude. These past few weeks, however, it’s all I can do not the eat everything in sight and/or crawl into bed before the sun sets. Fortunately, the rest of my day’s eating is mostly on point. With last weekend being our Spartan weekend, I forgot how pathetic my Friday nights — and Saturday nights — are since changing “-ships” from relation to friend. It sure was nice to spend the weekend with my brother and sister.
The void I have been experiencing over the past many months, when filled with me helping my sons, aren’t bad. I’d become accustomed to being more present for them than not in the 6-10 months that led up to this latest change. And it was good to be so free to help them out. It was when they didn’t need me that I struggled. That’s when I felt like I hadn’t any purpose in life. We need purpose, you know. I certainly do.
Our dog, Simba became my new best friend during that time as well. These days, we spend even more time together. He’s a real trooper. When I lay my head on him and start to cry, he dutifully stays put until I am done. I am grateful for his loyalty.
At the same time, the void makes me realize the error in my ways. There should have been more time spent with others besides theMAN and my sons. I could kick myself for allowing so much distance to come between my girlfriends and me over the past 10 years. Moreover, I feel like I’d lost a my autonomy to the relationship. He never asked me this of me; this is my own doing. I’m sort of finding myself and my purpose all over again. I hope, that when ever I enter into another relationship, that I will hold onto my identity separate from them. It now feels important.
Even my FB “friends” feel disconnected somehow. I know it’s my imagination, for theMAN and I haven’t shared the news with many people, but I somehow feel like all of the friends that were “ours” are now, or will soon only be, “his” and that saddens me. They’re great people and it will be huge loss for me.
I know in time I’ll find my way but tonight, I’m flailing.