thanks a million

It’s been a long while since I’ve attended Sunday mass. Because that’s generally a place where I feel more free to talk directly to the dead (no matter if the Catholic church feels I should), church is generally where I go to say “hello” to Tom. It’s hard to believe that nearly 5 years have passed since his death. We, the kids and I, have done a whole lot of reflecting and healing. We, or I at least, have harbored a whole lot of anger too.

It matters not (anymore) whether the doctor’s missed the boat in caring for him. In retrospect, there were plenty of signs that, if put together, pointed to Cancer. On the other hand, Tom had done plenty of suffering already; in many ways, I think he was thankful that there fighting the Cancer wasn’t an option. His only fight was to die, and he did that well.

Back to church…

After communion, I put down my pew and began our conversation — 1-sided of course. With it being what would have been our 20 year anniversary weekend, the timing seemed right. With the actual day falling on a Wednesday, it’s when we would have celebrated our life together.

I said “hi” and then began thanking him for all of the good that he brought to me. For the encouragement and support, the I love you’s (although rare), the house that we both worked so hard to acquire and, most of all, the beautiful lives we created.

I told him that I hoped he was 100 times happier and that he smiled a million times more than when we were together. I told him that I loved him for all the good that we shared and that, even though I have found a new someone to love, that I wouldn’t ever forget him.

I did not tell him that I was now 100 times happier and smiled a million times more. I left that for him to see for himself. Having experienced such loss has a way of making you appreciate all the reasons there are to smile and be happy.

Then I wiped away my tears, stood up, and joined the congregation in song.