Gloomy skies this morning coupled with a feeling of extreme exhaustion following a full night’s sleep is reminiscent of the early days of grieving. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. I can be thankful for that. Still, I am left wondering what the heck my dreaming consisted of.
I’ll admit, I’m not at all surprised. On Monday, I wrote, “Left wondering for what reason, if any, have I crossed paths with several perfect strangers at the beginning of their grief journeys.” A friend from high school replied saying, “If for no other reason than to remind you how far you’ve traveled.” He’s so right. I used to feel this horrible EVERY morning.
But I didn’t convey that in my response to a FB friend who I must admit I hardly know. In fact, I wonder if I ever actually knew her. I’ve a feeling she is a friend of Big Sis rather than mine. Anyhow, late last night I searched my strained vocabulary for just the right words to hint at my experience yet keep from portraying a picture of doom and gloom for her. This task was far more difficult than any of the other times I’ve reaching out to someone going through losing a loved one. This might be because her loved one is still in the fight between living and dying. For us, it was a matter of days. For him it’s one year and counting.
So I have no idea what her and her family must be going through. On one hand, I can remember how much we longed for more time to say the things one says in times such as these as well as to create some memories that would pave the way in the months following the loss. I can also remember how trapped we all felt in the struggle of dying with any sense if dignity. There were even days when I, if not all of us, wished it would finally be over.
Although these thoughts ran through my mind from the time when I 1st read her message to the time I finally responded, I was careful not to say any of this. And after crafting my carefully worded message, I took note of my sleeping boys, turned out the lights, and went unconscious with my laptop still on my lap.
…and then I woke up to murky skies and was forced to drag myself out of bed. It took a strong cup of coffee to pull me out of my slumber-induced disorientation. Once again I am able to separate from then and now.