trippin’

Tonight, while running on the treadmill, I got to thinking about how difficult it can be to let go of the things which make you feel safe.  It’s no coincidence that this would come to mind as I step foot on the very treadmill which I fell on 7 months ago.

Each time I brave stepping on that moving belt, I have to consciously fight the urge to hang on for dear life.  My last encounter was over 4 months ago.

Although tonight I was able to relax and let go even more, it was not easy.  I started out at a 10 minutes per mile pace and held it for 3/4 mile before increasing to 9:30/mile.  A half-mile later, I increased again to 9:05/mile.  The entire time, I was running hands free…but then I tripped.

After I caught hold of the rails mid-stumble, I braced myself as I found the sides of the moving belt.  A few deep breaths later, and I stepped on once more resuming the run.  All eyes were on me.

As in my previous post-fall encounters with the treadmill, my hands hovered over the rail often.  But I kept going because it’s not  just about the run.

I may have my scarred leg reminding me of my painful journey but, damn it, I refuse to let fear stop me.  I thought about the many things I want to experience this lifetime and, with that in mind, I let go and continued my run with more determination and focus than before.

While I did trip again, I stepped off that treadmill feeling good about the steps I’ve been taking to move onward in spite of how many times life has tripped me up.  Like tonight’s run on the treadmill, I’m sure I haven’t seen the last of it.

And that’s okay.