I sat in the sunlight with my book and a cup of coffee, I began drawing parallels to my relationship with L. I became further engrossed in the story, although there were time where I wondered if I was absorbing any of it all…
In the early stages of my friendship with him, L had noted that he was “dangerous.” Certainly, he is no vampire; there is no comparing the danger which L spoke of to the risk of death the character in this story continually risks. I relate to the way that she cannot resist him, even after giving the risks her careful consideration. Just as I am drawn to L, she is drawn to him despite the dangers.
Sometimes, the characters let their guards down thinking that the danger has left them. Doesn’t the moon, or the time of day, play a part in the extent of danger that exists?
It is an easy thing to deny danger. In the bright of day, L stayed with me while I stretched after a long run. When I was done, he kissed me. It was innocent at first. I took it in, knowing that the breaks would soon be put forth — though I hoped they would not.
Moments later, his kiss moved to my neck where he began suckling the salty sweat. I let him. It felt good. At that moment, I would have let him suck blood from my neck if he wanted to. But it stopped as quickly as it started.
In the time that followed, each of us watched as desire fought against danger. When the breaks got placed once again, I questioned whether L was protecting me from hurt or himself. It mattered, for I wanted to protect him from pain, yet was more than willing to let desire win over the risk of my own. It then occurred to me that perhaps self danger is not enough to hold back against the possibility of experiencing love. Maybe it is the love itself that helps one to hold back and allow the danger to lesson. My want is strong, but my love is stronger.
…I reached for my coffee and admired the cup. Looking at it, I remembered how there was something about this cup that said “buy me,” and I found myself buying it along with a matching cereal bowl, thinking that it was “perfect” for L. Soon after I put it back, thinking it was “stupid” — he already had a favorite cup. Then I went back for it, this time grabbing a matching cup for me (hoping they would sit side by side in a cupboard someday)…along with a bowl for me (because I like cereal too)…and a bowl for YaYa (so that he wouldn’t be left out). In the weeks that followed, things changed a bit between L and me.
I know that I should let these stupid thoughts pass through unattended, but I don’t. I like the magical feel of them. They are like a story: a fairy tale. I sip my coffee and enjoy.
Dangerous, perhaps, in that he would merrily ride the relationship over a cliff and not let it bother him… That’s what people who have been hurt do. That’s why we work hard to meet our own needs while protecting ourselves.
So which part was real and which was from the book? ;-)
No Wes, the struggle is real. Know that I can’t possibly describe (nor to I want to) all that is occurring. As I work on my year in review post for 2008, I can see how far I have come in my own struggle – even to the point of physical health issues did I deny my need for companionship. It wasn’t until after my therapist told me to take risks that I finally took a step forward. L is just in a different place in the process. I would imagine that he is being told quite the opposite from his counselor.
I found a lot of real-life parallels in this book too. I’m glad you’re reading it, because I loved it.
May 2009 bring you all the happiness you deserve!
P.S. the pic of you and the boys in the post after this is great, you all look gorgeous!