After acceptance

It is clear that the Kubler-Ross model of Death and Dying is a far cry from the current beliefs on the grieving process. In spite of that, most information that I have come across marks the arrival of acceptance as a key milestone. But, what happens after acceptance is not clear.

It makes sense that no two people will grieve exactly the same. Regardless of my agreement with this fact, I wish there was a road map that I could check my progress against. I think that it might be helpful.

While my children sometimes question if it is really good to talk about their father’s death, I know that it helps me to write and talk about it. Sometimes I write down my thoughts on various note pads, and other times I share my thoughts with the blogosphere at large. Whether or not I share them, it is therapeutic to get it out.

Today, my therapy took on a new form. It all began with the fern appearing to have been mauled by one of the dogs. I’ll pretend that I don’t know which dog did the offending act. I decided to cut it back off the deck so that it wasn’t so inviting of a target.

As has always been the case with me, once the clippers are in my hands, other greenery gets my attention. I began cutting away at the branches of one of the trees. Since we have never cut back the tops of these trees since we moved in, they tower towards the sky. As I cut away at the long skinny branches on one tree, the next called out to me.

It was strange, but cutting the branches and watching them fall to the ground felt good. Before long the whole side of the yard was bright with light. Sunlight is also therapeutic in the winter time. While the trees stood naked and exposed, my previously hidden fence, along with the neighboring houses, was closer than ever. On the ground was a huge pile of leafy branches. Although I was enjoying the new light, I began wondering if I’d done a good thing or a bad thing.

While finishing off the last tree, I heard the back door slide open to the neighbor’s house. Half expecting her to shriek, “What were you thinking?”, I jumped off the chair that I was standing on so that I was less approachable. I hardly know her and I was not about to get scolded for not calling on her partner the “arborist.” It’s not like I can afford to hire an arborist for this many trees anyhow.

I looked around at my yard as I began clearing out the pile of branches. I’m not sure, but I think that I may need to even out the yard by hitting the trees on the other side. I can’t go into a new year with a lopsided yard. Besides, it will grow back. Right?