Keeping Pace

Keeping Pace

NOT Convinced

by

Repeat after me:
I’m doing well.
Good?
Yeah, I AM DOING good.

Okay, I am NOT convinced. Is this why I was fighting back the tears as I tried to complete the stupid health questionnaire at today’s appointment?

Well, I *was* doing well – until I was given their list of questions.

It began with the marital status question. Married or Single? Which am I? Lucky for me, they provided a line. I wrote down widowed. I turned the paper over and began circling the Yes or No responses. I was only half way through the questions when my name was called. Awkwardly, I followed the aide – holding a nearly full latte and trying to finish the questions before she asked for the paper.

Do you often feel sad or depressed? This is a stupid question. I mumbled, Of course I’m sad; my husband died. Luckily, the aide didn’t quite hear me. I stared at the Yes or No boxes and remembered how Tom said it was bad to have “depression” on your medical record. I skipped to the next question. Do you sometimes lose interest in things that previously brought you pleasure? Another *stupid* question. I thought of my running and triumphantly circled No.

I felt like I was on a roll when I was asked to step on the scale. *ugh* I stepped off and had my blood pressure checked next. *sigh* I wasn’t surprised when the aide noted that my blood pressure was elevated. No kidding. Next question. If you are sexually active, do you use a form protection to prevent the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases? This was also a stupid question. I lined through the Yes or No responses and wrote N/A. *sigh*


Inside the exam room, I returned to my self-talk exercises.
I AM doing well.
Good?
Okay, I am doing GOOD.

As the tears broke through, I decided that I still wasn’t convinced. As my doctor knocked on the door, I took a deep breath. I am okay. That was all of the convincing that I could generate. It was now up to her to valid that I was indeed okay.

But she wasn’t totally convinced either. So I return for a mammogram tomorrow, and see a surgeon for a biopsy on August 24th. I am also starting on a medication to lower my blood pressure.

Please GOD, let me be okay.

Comments

  1. Alright, here’s the realization I have come to recently…you will be okay if you are supposed to be okay (and for the record, I believe you are supposed to be) and no matter what we do, it just isn’t really up to us. Of course you are sad. Of course you are depressed. Those ARE stupid questions and aren’t meant for people who have been through what you have been through. There really IS a bigger picture and your job is to learn the lessons that you are supposed to learn from the tragedy you are being forced to live through and to help your boys learn their lessons, also.

    My favorite question: How many kids do you have?

  5. My last mammogram resulted in a biopsy. Sorry to say, it was unpleasant but it was also OK and you will be too! Did you read the Penguin’s article in the September Runner’s World? It’s about imagining the worst. I saw myself in that article. :-\

    Stay positive!

  6. Juls,
    Okay, I’ve been on blood pressure meds for years and years – they will work and that part will be fine for sure. For the mammogram/biopsy, I will be sending every positive thought I have to you. And I am joining in to the screaming to the cosmos – ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

  8. It’s not the dazzling voice that makes a singer, Julie. Nor clever stories that make a writer. And it’s not piles of money that make a tycoon.

    It’s having a dream and wanting to live it so greatly, that one would rather move with it, and “fail,” than succeed in another realm.

    You so have what it takes –
    The Universe

  14. Dear Julie,
    I know this won’t make you feel better, but I had elevated blood pressure for awhile (which is now gone away) when dealing with our finances and the pressure of others (family members and church-what is that!!!) to spend via guilt, the word “GOD”, etc. I also had to do the Biospy exercise and reading the paperwork they make you look at right before you go in was AWEFUL!!!! I pray that the biopsy will be fine and once life mellows…eventually…, your blood pressure will go down I am sure. Thinking and praying good thoughts for you!!!!!! Love you! Keep us posted!

  15. i missed the post about the biopsy…good god, i’m with you, enough already. NOW i really get that cartoon from your boss.

    I don’t know what to say except i’m PRAYING you get some good news soon.

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