You probably remember that I am not a runner who needs companionship on my outings. There are days when I would rather block out the world around me to retreat to the depths of my little head. Yesterday was one of those days.
The only problem with running solo was that I had already begun arrangements to run with Mark and Cindy. While I am sure that they would have understood, if I had sent them on without me, my mind was busied with the awareness that they had waited for me to get out of my meeting. I wouldn’t let myself abandon them after that. Besides, Cindy was rescuing me from hunger with half of her energy bar.
As Mark and I ran together to the place where we would meet Cindy, I ranted about the meeting. I expressed having let my frustration completely consume me. I described how I had used my own sadness as an example of why the specific criterion under discussion was perfect as is. And how I felt utterly out of control at the moment that I let that happen. I could have said more, but had gotten enough of it out of my system by the time we met up with Cindy.
I took residence in the rear and chose to be silent throughout the rest of run. As Mark and Cindy talked it up on a vast array of topics it followed along and wished that I were somewhere else.
When we returned to the office, I left them deep in conversation on strokes and clot retrieval devices while I went off to be alone with my thoughts. They couldn’t have known that I would think of Tom and the strokes which the brain tumors had caused. I *know* that Cindy and Mark would never have let the conversation go there had they known.
Yesterday was just a day where almost anything would kick off the sadness. I’m smart enough to know that it won’t be the last. I anticipated that I would have a more difficult time this week with the kids being away and Tom’s Birthday in just a few days. I will get through it.
I could *kick* myself for not picking up on this during our outing. So sorry to have added to an already bad day. I hope your day improved, and that your future days continue to get better as time passes.
Dearest Friend:
As I said in the post, you “couldn’t” have known. I wasn’t even sure if you or Mark knew that the tumors had caused strokes to occur. Please don’t feel bad.
With Hugs & gratitude,
Juls
There are good days and there are bad days. Hugs to you on what was clearly a really bad one and wishes for a good one to come.
After my mom passed away, sometimes the bad days helped me to feel alive again. The “good days” weren’t really good days. They were more of a numb day. The days that I missed her so much helped me to feel in touch again.
There is no “right” way to feel, it is all part of the process of growing through this experience. I am thinking of you and praying that you come through this time stronger than ever.
hang in there, Julie. it is a rough road and I am thinking of you. I don’t know if anyone has given you (or you’ve read) CS Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.” I lost the love of my life at 24 and that book meant more to me as I got through the dark days than just about anything else. hugs to you. IronMo
There will always be little things to remind you of the good and bad times. Of course you’ll get through it. We already know this :-)
Some days you just don’t know what to expect but you’ll get through it- one day at a time Julie!