I set the treadmill speed to the slower end of the pace that I was targetting for today’s run. Then, I just let my feet keep pace with the moving belt. I could hear the pattern of my steps. Thump, thump, thump, thump…
There wasn’t anything special about it. Is there *ever* anything exciting that happens while running on the ‘mill? Most often, the answer is NO, but there *was* something different about today’s run. I was content; that was different for me. I wasn’t wishing that I was outside, impatient that I wasn’t going anywhere, or wishing that I was nearly done. I was just running along and happy to stay at with the plan that I had set out to do.
Even more comforting, I was happy to just be any other person running on the treadmill at lunch. There was nobody there watching me and trying to figure out if they should come over to ask how I was. It was a nice change.
Some things seem to be coming together, while other things leave me feeling paralyzed.
YaYa comes home without his homework assignments AGAIN, and I check on BoBo’s grades to see them falling even farther down. I feel helpless, even worthless. I hear Tom reminding me, “YOU wanted kids.” I didn’t want to be doing this all alone. But that *is* what I am doing. I just hope that I can do it right. This is anything but a run on the ‘mill.
In time, you’ll get your “pace” back. So will your boys. And you are NOT worthless–ever!
It’s going to take a while for the boys to adjust, and for you too. You are doing all the important things that need to be done – loving those boys, helping them through their grief, trying to find a new normal. The rest (including grades) is just fluff. It’s a long process.
I agree that the boys need time. About all you can do is encourage their teachers to cut them some slack and encourage the boys to feel their pain and anger but to buck up and get their work done. It’s possible they are in a ‘why bother’ frame of mind right now.
Try not to let it gnaw at you. School will be out soon enough and everyone will be on a more even keel next year.
nope, you surely didn’t sign up to be raising kids alone. I’m hoping you have people you can call on to help. I know parenting on your own may seem impossible right now. If you can find the right people to help with the kids, yep, even with homework and school visits, you won’t feel so alone.
(i sound like such a know-it-all. really, i know nothing. ignore me!)
Oh, Julie… you amaze me. You are a phenomenal person, and Conor and YaYa need time to get their pace back, too. You are doing a wonderful, wonderful job. Try to enlist more support from their teachers/counsellors…they will help if you ask. xoxoxox