There is a familiar feeling running through my body this morning. I haven’t felt this feeling is S-O-O-O long that it is almost unrecognizable. It is the jitters. It’s not from coffee; I am still titrating up to my therapeutic level (nursing my morning latte). It is the beginnings of enthusiasm for the marathon.
I’ve been feeling an overwhelming guilt of spending the money for the flights. Flying the just myself to Chicago for the race is not all that expensive, but flying my family of three (four if DD can come) IS expensive. The guilt factor comes in because this is for ME and me alone. It’s for MY running hobby.
The thing is, I *need* to have my family there with me. I’d like to see them along the course, but I fear that they won’t be there. I am not sure if Tom’s family would be into that whole scene. At a minimum, I need them at the finish. I am pretty sure that I am going to need a few serious hugs to rescue me from the emotional let down of not having Tom there to greet me. I have actually had a few bad dreams to this effect.
In my dream, I finish the race (sometimes I BQ, and other times not). I see Tom and go to him crying that I am so glad that he is there, and that I thought he was dead. I hug him and cry. Then DD comes and pulls me off of this stranger who has graciously let me hug him and cry…and I am devastated.
You can see…I need to bring the family. I need to release the guilt and think of my marathon as my therapy. Then maybe I can justify the expense.