Sometimes you have to step away from the routine and just be. Just letting yourself be is not an easy task; the tendency to judge and try to change who we are and how we are experiencing the here and now is strong. We have perfect ideals of who we should be. Often times these ideals aren’t even our own but some external expectation.
When it comes to the process of grieving — MY process and progress of grieving that is — I find that people do not grasp how long the healing actually takes. To be fair, I don’t even know myself. The inability to concentrate on my tasks, or the lack of bandwidth for other peoples “stuff” is frustrating. I’ve been struggling with intermittent bouts of this frustration since mid-February. On Friday of last week, I finally gave in. I pulling up the old posts and validated the pain I’d been experiencing.
I cannot begin to explain all of the injustices and things that went so far out of control in the final weeks of Tom’s life. Words cannot describe the anger and hurt from all that went wrong — which should not have. The lies. The abandonment. The robbery of dignity. And so, so, so much more… none if which I want to talk about.
Suffice to say that I have a lot more healing and understanding to take hold of. It is not all about the love of my life dying. I have found new love. He is wonderful. It is so much more than that.
Anyway, this week, I wanted to just be, without having to meet some arbitrary deadline that would change after I busted my arse adhering to it. I didn’t want to hear the incessant complaining about problems that might happen.
So I took the week off.
Much like step-back week in marathon training allows for some recovery from the demands of the intense build to race-readiness, this week of stepping back from my normal routine (aka work) has allowed me to recover in a different way. I have been able to get caught up on the many things that have been put off until later. I replaced my washer (which often leaked water down the garage floor) and the dryer (which ripped away any delicate strap or string from the garment not to mention half the fabric as well). This new washer and dryer has allowed for an efficient, and even therapeutic, attack of the back logged laundry. I’ve been able to go for trail runs in the middle of the day, have the split-ends removed from my hair, have my spine realigned, and rejuvenate myself.
One big success was being able to deliver on an 11 year old promise to my [brother and sister] in-laws. They can now view Tom’s memorial video/slideshow. It’s a long story but suffice to say that after multiple attempts, I have finally been able to share it with them! And it was NOT easy!
Most importantly, I have been able to spend some quality time with my boys.